8 replies to this topic

[cuckoos]

Here, you can review my story, Triangle Black.

[Red]

Having read through the first two chapters, I must say, you have a deeply intriguing story going on here. I love the picture for the story, by the way. As for the actual story, taking it from Booton's perscpective seems good, but, to me, could become a little one-sided in later chapters since he is "Anti-Toybox". Do you plan on having POV change to other members, possibly some who are aware of what's going on and only want to be part of a healthy community?

Anyways, my evalution: 8/10.

[cuckoos]

Red, on Aug 19 2010, 11:28 AM, said:

Having read through the first two chapters, I must say, you have a deeply intriguing story going on here. I love the picture for the story, by the way. As for the actual story, taking it from Booton's perscpective seems good, but, to me, could become a little one-sided in later chapters since he is "Anti-Toybox". Do you plan on having POV change to other members, possibly some who are aware of what's going on and only want to be part of a healthy community?

Anyways, my evalution: 8/10.

The point of view will change in time from Booton, to Royce, to Sphacks, and to other minor characters. To put it simply, the perspective will change a lot throughout the story.

And thank you for reviewing it.

Edited by cuckoos, 19 August 2010 - 11:42 AM.

[Red]

Ah, alright, just be sure to put as much effort into the POV of the other characters as you do Booton's. I've read so many stories where the author puts all their effort into one POV and the others are less than satisfactory.

Also, no problem =)

[Ran Yakumo]

Heh pretty interesting.
Just read every chapters.
Took a while.
9/10 (yes...)
But I wasn't member in the old Forum.But I think I got the most of it.


Also LB didn't talk in Green...O__O

Edited by blackboo, 20 August 2010 - 09:13 AM.

[Gordon Freeman]

weirdly i got everything execpt the part where booton said stuff about Sphacks(hope i spelled it right...) making the toy box.

Anyway good story cant wait for the next chapter!!

Oh yeah 10/10

Edited by rocker64, 22 August 2010 - 01:57 PM.

[Ran Yakumo]

rocker64, on Aug 22 2010, 12:37 PM, said:

weirdly i got everything execpt the part where booton said stuff about sphanks(hope i spelled it right...) making the toy box.

Anyway good story cant wait for the next chapter!!

Oh yeah 10/10

He is named Sphacks/Sphax
And he made Shy-guy toy box.
The staff page says it.
Under Sage Kazuma.

Also I saw a bug.
How did Carniege "fell in love" when he is blind?

[cuckoos]

blackboo, on Aug 22 2010, 12:41 PM, said:

He is named Sphacks/Sphax
And he made Shy-guy toy box.
The staff page says it.
Under Sage Kazuma.

Also I saw a bug.
How did Carniege "fell in love" when he is blind?

I'd say some dip**** excuse like he "Used his senses", but you got me there.

And I think I might cancel the making of this story in order to write a better BM fan-fic. Or make a Triangle Black RPG. I'll think about it, though.

EDIT: Yes, his name is Sphacks. Some people still call him Sphase, so I had to debate which of his names I would be using. I used Sphacks, because that's usually his "universal" nickname.

Edited by cuckoos, 24 August 2010 - 07:23 PM.

[Gordon Freeman]

I think you should keep the story and make the rpg i really like the story!!